I haven't had dinner with a friend since March 11; I know the date because I got my last haircut then, too. Amy and I, childhood acquaintances who re-united at a writer's conference (she as an editor at Scholastic Library, me as a new author at Little, Brown) met in Madison, CT. We noticed that the town seemed empty, but didn't wonder why, just enjoyed our dinner and conversation. It wasn't until NPR on the way home that I got how serious things were getting.
In the weeks since, I've self-isolated and let go of a lot of shoulds. I used to feel guilty and anxious that I wasn't leading the glamorous, active life other people seemed to be — traveling; going to plays, the opera, museums; going to exercise classes; volunteering more; dressing well; giving and going to parties; writing and publishing novels.....there are more. But now that I'm social-distancing, I can't do any of them except the first half of the last.
It's freeing. The anxiety is gone and the guilt is going — it was only as I was writing this list that I realized how contradictory some of the shoulds were. You can't, for example, do all those things and write a novel. At least, no author I know does.
So I started doing what I wanted to do instead of what I thought I should be doing.
One of the first shoulds to go — a prohibition that started in my teens with the Atkins diet — was avoiding carbs. I've always known, theoretically, that carbs have fewer calories than fat (like the olive oil I ladle on), but they seemed more fattening. I didn't even keep them in the house.
I let that should go in a delicious way — pasta with tomato sauce, every night. I found an Italian gluten free pasta
And guess what? I have lost, not gained, weight. And, maybe because I allowed myself to have it every night, after awhile, I stopped wanting to. Now I have it a few times a week, as a first course. And I eat it in Italian portions (the package makes it easy to measure those) a few times a week.
I still walk, I still do yoga and meditate every day, but because I feel better when I do, not because I should. Yes, I have to nudge myself sometimes — but that's different from yelling at myself. By “nudge,” I mean: remind myself that I'll sleep better and feel better if I move. So I do.
Last week I let go of the idea that I “should” be writing a detective novel. To write it, I often had to argue against the voices that said — each time I sat down to write — that I was wasting my time, that it wasn't good enough. If I won the argument, I wrote — sometimes, with enjoyment and a feeling of excitement and pride, but more often than not, with aching neck muscles and doubts when I finished for the day. And whether I wrote or whether I didn't, it was always tugging at me, sometimes in a good way (an idea popped into my mind) but often in that nagging “should” way. So I stopped.
In the weeks since, I've self-isolated and let go of a lot of shoulds. I used to feel guilty and anxious that I wasn't leading the glamorous, active life other people seemed to be — traveling; going to plays, the opera, museums; going to exercise classes; volunteering more; dressing well; giving and going to parties; writing and publishing novels.....there are more. But now that I'm social-distancing, I can't do any of them except the first half of the last.
It's freeing. The anxiety is gone and the guilt is going — it was only as I was writing this list that I realized how contradictory some of the shoulds were. You can't, for example, do all those things and write a novel. At least, no author I know does.
So I started doing what I wanted to do instead of what I thought I should be doing.
One of the first shoulds to go — a prohibition that started in my teens with the Atkins diet — was avoiding carbs. I've always known, theoretically, that carbs have fewer calories than fat (like the olive oil I ladle on), but they seemed more fattening. I didn't even keep them in the house.
I let that should go in a delicious way — pasta with tomato sauce, every night. I found an Italian gluten free pasta
and made the sauce with fresh shrimp, garnished with fresh oregano from my porch. The pasta itself is from Italy, and expensive. The Italian government pays celiacs a gluten-free pasta supplement — no one,they feel, should have to endure life without good pasta. Now that's a good government policy!
I know I'm happier with it. Sometimes I sing the Gershwins' dummy lyric for “I Got Rhythm” as I cook:
“Roly poly, eating slowly
“Roly poly, eating slowly
Ravioli
Better watch your diet or bust!”I still walk, I still do yoga and meditate every day, but because I feel better when I do, not because I should. Yes, I have to nudge myself sometimes — but that's different from yelling at myself. By “nudge,” I mean: remind myself that I'll sleep better and feel better if I move. So I do.
Last week I let go of the idea that I “should” be writing a detective novel. To write it, I often had to argue against the voices that said — each time I sat down to write — that I was wasting my time, that it wasn't good enough. If I won the argument, I wrote — sometimes, with enjoyment and a feeling of excitement and pride, but more often than not, with aching neck muscles and doubts when I finished for the day. And whether I wrote or whether I didn't, it was always tugging at me, sometimes in a good way (an idea popped into my mind) but often in that nagging “should” way. So I stopped.
Maybe I'll go back to it, maybe I'll start another novel (a detective novel is probably not my forte when it comes to writing, much as I like to read them). But if I do write another novel, it will be because I want to. And in the meantime, I'll live my life, as it is, here and now, free from shoulds.
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